A Sufferlandrian Health Check. Ouch!

As any man of my age knows, the words “rubber gloves” will usually bring a grimace to the face and an involuntary tightening of the sphincter. So when I saw The Sufferfest had released a new video called Rubber Glove, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. A saw David posting on Twitter and Facebook about how he was putting it together, screen shots of the video editing software with stuff all over the place. I still wasn’t thinking of getting it. Then it was released. Still nothing was compelling me.

Until.

 

 

 

Well if anything is going to motivate me it is giving my ego a tickle. Hello PayPal. Goodbye a few measly dollars. Hello Rubber Glove.

Gulp.

A little about Rubber Glove. It isn’t your normal SufferFest video. This is basically a test to work out your FTP. Now before your eyes glaze over and you go back to Angry Birds, FTP just means Functional Threshold Power, not Finger To Pooper, as Rubber Glove may suggest. If you wear a cardigan and sport a generous beard, refill your pipe and check out this link to learn more.

Now it has been a while since I visited the SufferCell. There have been some health issues for family members and mates, so I haven’t had the bike time I usually would have. Also, the electronic gizmos in the SufferCell had had some issues. The 7 year old MacBook Pro had started blowing smoke from its undercarriage and as any technician will tell you, unless you can grab that smoke and get it back in the machine, things are pretty much stuffed.

So now the SufferCell has some new digital whizzbangery and we are back in business.

After some technical misunderstandings with Windows 8, it was go time.


You have a few minutes of gentle rolling the legs over before you start the gradual increase in tempo that is the basic warm up. Now I was doing the warm up and was finding it quite a challenge. The SufferFest video was telling me I was supposed to be at 5/10 effort. TrainerRoad however was demanding I should be pushing harder. WTF?

I have done a FTP test previously using TrainerRoad, so was using my previous FTP, 267 watts, as a benchmark. I had gotten used to what certain power numbers felt like and the effort and heart rate that roughly lined up with those numbers. There was definitely something amiss. To hit the numbers at 5/10 effort, my heart rate was at 165. Way too high. I can only guess at what was happening. Was there a different power profile for the JetBlack Z1 Fluid trainer in the latest version of TrainerRoad? Had I mistakenly chosen the wrong trainer? Had I set the wheel circumference wrong? Or was I just a fat old man who had lost some fitness? I hoped it was the first option. I suspect it was the last.

The long warm up finished and I was struggling. This gave me some relief.

Now it was quite cool in the SufferCell, about 13C when I started, so I hadn’t bothered to turn the fan on. Before the real hard graft had begun, I was back to being the human sprinkler. I was sweating like a Gypsy with a mortgage. I look at the video and there is a leggy blonde mocking me by cooking an omelet whilst on a set of rollers!!! It is Siri Minge from Team HiTec and you can see it here.

Nothing like seeing an attraction young lady to give a suffering man a boost. Now was no time to be sucking the gut in and puffing up the chest. There were more efforts in store. Four nasty one minute bursts of high cadence to loosen the legs up.

I struggled through these four sets of high cadence hell. I might have gone too hard. When I start to spin these fat stumps of legs up, I start to feel all pro and can’t help myself. I think a mirror might be needed in the SufferCell just to show me who I am. No time for contemplating my ever deepening navel, the time had come.

The Sufferfest is good enough to suggest a steady first five minutes, then 10 minutes of hard effort and the last five minutes just emptying the tank, going as hard as possible. I took no notice of the first 15 minutes. As can be seen from the TrainerRoad graph below, the first 15 minutes was a fight to keep the power at the same level. The final 5 minutes though was sheer hell. I would rather have Andre the Giant snap on a rubber glove and give me a prostate exam. I felt like an octopus climbing Everest wearing an anchor as a hat! That was an actual thought I had, which will give you some idea of were my head was. My heart rate was as high as it has been for some time.

As I gasped for air using lungs that felt like I was a 5 pack a day smoker, the SufferCell time warp started happening. Only 3 minutes left. I pedaled harder for at least a minute. I looked up. 2:50 to go. What!! I was now a sloth in slow motion. My left knee was giving me grief. No, make that my right knee. 2:30 left, pedal. Actually, both knees were sending messages north to knock it off. And then I got cranky at the slow moving space time continuum and went harder.

I couldn’t work out why the beat of the already high paced music seemed all out of whack. Then it dawned on me. That was my pulse I could hear. 50 seconds left. Push you fat lazy bastard! I managed to throw everything at it and finally that lovely sound that means you can ease off poured like a burst of ear candy from the speakers and I was done. Cooked. Wasted. Shagged. Rooted. Knackered. You name it, I was it.

I looked at the screen through eyes stinging from sweat. 3 minutes of recovery before I could get off this damned bike.

3 minutes of trying to convince my blood pumper to stay in my chest. 3 minutes before TrainerRoad spat out my new FTP number. 3 minutes to wonder why?

I knew it wasn’t going to be an improvement on 267W from the last test. I was hoping for it to be over 200W. Pop!

235W FTP according to the test. I felt nothing. I was too damned tired to care. I wrapped the towel around my head and got off the bike. Well, I tried to get off the bike. That bloody octopus had dropped the anchor onto my shoe. I couldn’t lift my leg over the top tube. Three attempts before I was clear of the bike and sitting in a pool of my own sweat on the floor with a dog licking my arm.

So another SufferFest video is complete.

It is a lot different to the other ones I have done, in that you sort of know what is going to happen. Does that make it less effective? I don’t think so. As a test, it is a great tool to give you a number. If you don’t have a power meter or virtual power as I do, it takes you through the best method to record your numbers and calculate them at the end using either power or heart rate. I think it is a terrific tool, despite the pain.

You can click the images below for a better view of them.

Thanks once again to Cell Bikes and The Sufferfest for the trainer and videos.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Thanks for reading.

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Epic Conditions at the End of Stage 15 of the Giro

Check out these screen caps.

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A Powerful Short Film about a Bike Builder with Cancer

Made by Hand / No 5 The Bike Maker from Made by Hand on Vimeo.

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Caption This (With @miketomalaris)

This is worth a caption comp for sure!

Screw you guys, I’m going home!

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Friday Video

film by Ryota Kemmochi
http://sim-works.com/

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Caption This!

Add your captions in the comments below.

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A Nice Little Milestone

I realise that there will be other blogs out there that get this sort of traffic in a day or two, but for my humble little blog, this is a bit of a big deal.

Thanks to all those who follow the blog and take the time to comment either here or on Twitter or Facebook.

Let’s hope there are another 100,000 in the old girl.

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Friday Videos

A few videos to keep you from getting bored at work today.

Watch a team mechanic throw a new bike together for Nibbles.

Check out GreenEDGE’s Backstage Pass from stage 3 and 4 of the Giro d’Italia. Svein Tuft has a bit of the Stuart O’Grady look about him.

Global Cycling Network take a look at team cars.

And lastly, a look at how they did it nearly 30 years ago. The Giro of 1984. Apologies for the commentary.

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WW108

Two years ago today Wouter Weylandt died during the Giro d’Italia. As a mark of respect, the race number 108 was retired.

RIP Wouter.

Articles worth a read.

Road.cc
Joahnbruyneel.com
http://www.deondernemer.nl (Dutch)

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The Day Started on a Bike and Ended in an Ambo for Smith

It has been a big few days for your Non Pro Cycling blogger folks. A mate spent time in hospital last weekend. My grandad is currently in hospital. On Friday I had to travel to Sydney for a job interview, which has turned out well, and means I will be back in the workforce on the 13th May. Friday night I spent at a pub with a great bunch of blokes, three of whom were going for a ride with me on Saturday morning.

Saturday morning I was woken by the sound of giggling girls and the smell of bacon. What a terrific way to start a day. I had stayed the night at my good friend Brian’s (Smith) place. He beautiful wife Bibi had cooked bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast and we sat at the table chatting away with his two little girls, Ava and Ruby. Then we packed the car and set off for our ride.

We arrived at the meeting point with plenty of time, and waited for Adam, Ben and Brett to show up. Adam was the first to arrive, and not long after, Brett and Ben arrived on their bikes. They had ridden to the meet up point, which was about 20kms for them. We were to meet one more of the group on the way along the M7 cycleway, a terrific piece of infrastructure in western Sydney.

Here is a shot of the boys before we left.

Ben in the BMC kit riding a BMC. Brett, Adam and Brian. Note the beautiful woolen Irish National jersey he is wearing.

We set off on the 250m run to the beginning of the cycleway.

I had to do a quick run back to the car to pick up my forgotten water bottles. Then we were off.

This is the the way it looked for the first part of the ride.

Most of the time Ben was off the front riding with his hands off the bars, basically, showing off. :)

It was a pleasant enough ride, not to fast or slow. We hit the Light Horse interchange, a swooping tangle of over passes and high wire fences.

Our group of five was going to meet Chris at some point along the path. Having never met before, we didn’t really know who to look for. The GoPro however sees everything.

That is him passing all five of us with out even realising. It would have been hard to miss us.

I was in my usual bright orange Non Pro Cycling jersey which can be seen for miles I have been told.

As we started up a few slight climbs, little did we realise the significance of this spot on the way back.

It wasn’t long before Chris caught us up. A quick intro and I told him to chase the guys up ahead, and off he went.

Brian and I then enjoyed a pleasant ride along the last 10kms of the cycleway.

As well as seeing some odd shapes and sizes on their bikes along the way, we rode past this bloke who was either ashamed of his lady friend or sheltering her from the sun.

We then rolled into McDonalds, the ONLY choice, for a coffee and Muffin.

Poor old Mr Mop doesn’t look to happy that I am riding over his sparkly floor.

We spent a pleasant half hour or so, chatting and BS’ing like cyclists do, before setting off on the return journey. Little did we know what lay ahead.

The return run has quite a few good long climbs. I tried to get Chris and Ben into a race, but Chris just rode off into the distance, not to be seen til much later on.

I had put in a big effort to chase down Ben up the last of the longer climbs. These soft young blokes can’t even keep in front of a fat old guy like me. :)

At the top of the climb we waited for Brian to arrive. Here is a photo of him as he hits the crest of the hill.

I told him to keep going, as we would be stopping in about a kilometre to bid Chris farewell. He continued down the hill. I had to do a U turn so was a fair way behind him.

I had been having issues with my rear derailer, so I was looking down when Brian seemed to veer off the path. He went on to the grass. From what the guys closer said, it looked like he had regained control, but when he went to get back on the cycleway, his front wheel caught the edge of the path and down he went. It was a sickening sight when I got to him.

Brian was in a bad way. He had been winded, and was struggling for breath. Whilst Adam got on the phone to the ambulance, the rest of us tried to figure out how badly he was injured. He didn’t recognise me when I was taling to him. He had a lot of bark off his knee, elbow and shoulder. We wanted to get him off the hot path, so we sat him up and slowly moved him onto the soft grass and into the shade.

It was pretty obvious that he had damaged his collarbone, and also that he was concussed. Every couple of minutes he would say “Sorry boys. Where are we?”

Possibly the hardest thing to do that day was next for me. Ringing Brian’s lovely wife Bibi. It is never nice to be the bearer of bad news. Luckily Bibi was calm and just listened as I explained what had happened. I told her I would call back as soon as we knew more.

After about 20 minutes, it was obvious the ambulance was having issues finding us. I decided to ride off to the nearest cross road to try and wave them down. They were told to look for my bright orange jersey.

I waved down a police car and two officers did their best to help. Two ambulances arrived with in 30 seconds of each other. The cycleway authority were needed to unlock the barriers, which seems slightly ridiculous.

The ambulances took off with me in hot pursuit for 30 seconds until I blew up and had to slow down. By the time I got there, they were assisting Brian and asking us how it happened.

Then, the unthinkable happened. The paramedic cut the beautiful woolen jersey right up the middle!

Oh dear! He was just about to chop through the heart rate monitor when Brian showed him how to undo it.

I have to say, the paramedics were great. They were explaining everything they were doing to Brian, and us if we asked.

Also, kudos to the guys from the M7 Cycleway authority. They let us put Brian’s bike on their truck and gave me all the details needed to pick it up.

After what seemed a long time, Brian was eventually put onto a gurney.

The paramedics wanted Brian’s helmet to show the doctors at the hospital. It has done its job. Cracked in at least two spots all the way through.

Eventually the ambulance took off. Roughly 90 minutes after he had come off the bike, he was on his way to hospital. 45 minutes was waiting for the ambulance and the other 45 minutes was getting him ready for transportation.

We had a chat to the paramedic that helped Brian, and then we were off. Chris left us just up the road, and Ben and Brett not long after.

I was in a bit of a rush to get back to the car and get to Brian’s place, where I had left my overnight bag and other gear. Adam and I were pushing along at a reasonable speed, when, going over some rough stuff, a spoke on my rear wheel let go and we had to stop. After a short time spent twisting the broken spoke around another still intact spoke, we were off again.

We got to the car and Adam and I grabbed a drink and said our goodbyes. It had been a pretty eventful day.

Now it is Monday afternoon. I have spoken to Brian at length about what happened. He seems to think it may have just been a loss of concentration as he looked over his left shoulder and that put him in the grass.

He has a broken collarbone, a lot of bruising and gravel rash. It looks like an 8 week spell from the bike, with at least 3 weeks in a sling. Heal fast and well mate. Here is a photo he took in hospital on Saturday night. I had to censor out the nip slip.

Just a quick thank you to the ambos, policemen and M7 guys for their help. And to Brett, Ben, Adam and Chris for helping Brian and I in a pretty trying time. Kudos to you all.

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